That feeling you're feeling?....it's called ambivalence

I sent Ash to school today. Her one day this week. The first day in FOREVER!


We were both excited!


Me, to have some time on my own, to work, to write and to create.


Ash, to see her much loved teacher and friends. To have people to play with. To have an adult that is completely present and not distracted by their work.


But we were both also sad.


Ash, because she genuinely likes spending all her time with me, she’s a homebody and because she’s aware of the Coronavirus.


Me, because I am genuinely worried about the potential second phase and I wonder whether our kids are the canaries in the coal mines.


I am a walking textbook definition of...

ambivalence

  1. having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.


You probably are too.


And the worst thing about it is that years of research shows that holding both positive and negative attitudes about something makes us uncomfortable and anxious. As a genuinely calm person, this doesn’t sit well.

Leaving her there this morning made me realise I’ve been feeling genuinely conflicted about almost everything over the last few months.


Genuinely conflicted about everything!


Whether or not to go somewhere?

Whether or not to see my parents?

Whether or not to trust other people are distancing properly?

Whether or not I should go to the studio? Should I be asking my teachers to go the studio?


Ambivalence also makes it harder to be decisive! You lack the certainty you need to make decisions.


I am a decisive person. I know what I want and I know what I need to do to get there. It feels a little bit like going around in circles right now. And up until this morning, I thought that was because of isolation but I realise now, for me, its because I lack the certainty within myself to make decisions.


So while I sit here trying to work (not working) there is a pit in my stomach. It feels bad. And I think it’s what a lot of us are feeling.


Incidentally, I just tried to fill that with an almond croissant...it didn’t work.


I might go dance instead.


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